I came home yesterday and my apartment was ransacked. Someone had broken in. Quickly I checked to see if the big screen was still here. It was. Going thru the rest of the place I found nothing missing. The cork guns were safe, I had no jewelry to begin with. My minion figurines were still in place and the safe containing my 8-track tape collection was untouched. Why did they break in? Later after the police report was filed, I sat down with a beer to do some spinning. Then it hit me, the thieves had taken my Alpaca yarn. Now what should I do? The police won’t care. I hand spun that stuff! The Alpaca who gave me the fibers was a close friend. (It’s hard to befriend someone that frequently spits on you) I’m not qualified to track someone down and administer justice. I want my yarn! What could I do? This was clearly a job for…Knit-man! Knita-knita-knita, knita-knita-knita, Knit-man!
Wow! I am getting quite the following. I had no idea this blog would be so successful. Should I start looking for sponsorships or something? Maybe selling advertising space on my posts. A Nike contract would be nice. I could sell official sponsorships, “Diet Coke, the official drink of The Manly Knitter”. How about a book deal? That (of course) would be followed by the movie. Who is manly enough to play me? Or possibly really hitting the big time, being the spokesperson for Alan’s Car Wash & Bait Shop (located real close to the fire station). Well, maybe I am getting a little ahead of myself. I probably should not go commercial until I get a third like.
I asked The Ladies about learning to knit my opossum tail yarn but they were leery of giving me sharp pointy things. Something about a breath mint, my nose and the emergency room. I am not sure what they were talking about. But regardless, they don’t think I am ready. I wonder how sharp I can make those tips…
Opossums, yup opossums. I took the small pot out of the big pot, then the yarn off the small pot and let it dry. It looked like hundreds of opossum tails strung together! Tapering from thick to thin and back again. It was a grayish brown with varying amounts of fuzz, all intertwined with itself. It was revolting. I can hardly wait to knit something out of it!
(If opossum tails were dried straight, could they be sold as organic knitting needles? In the south of course.)
The next step was to set the fibers by soaking them in hot water. I did not want this mess set in its current condition. (I could not chance exposing women and children to it) Time to improvise. If I could set the fibers while they were under tension, that might keep it from coiling up on itself. Tying one end of the thread on a pot handle then wrapping the yarn around the pot (under tension) then tying the end off, I was ready to set it.
I put the little pot into a big pot of hot water and let it soak. (At least the hot water might kill a few snakes)
Well here it is. The ugliest spool of yarn in the history of man.
Now for the fun part, taking it from twisted fibers to a highly valued, expensive and coveted skein of yarn. (A YouTube video helped guide me thru this process). First step, remove the fiber from the spool and coil it. I sail, so this was easy (yea team!) I unwound the spool, coiling it between my palm and elbow. (note the stylish paper bag over my head"
After that, everything started to fall apart. When I removed the coil from my elbow, it turned on me and attacked. It bunched up, twisted upon itself and wrapped around my hand like hundreds of small fuzzy boa constrictors with a caffeine buzz (or a super scrunchy). This was not supposed to happen. The person on the video was smiling while she did it. There were no smiley faces at my place that night. The sight was too horrific to post a picture of the entire wad. Here is a small section.
I think I put too much twist into the fibers